I can’t pinpoint when this crush formed, but I’m certain of when I realized it. We were sitting on the back porch, our phones in hand, in comfortable silence listening to videos through our headphones and passing a blunt back and forth. I was watching a video and when it said your name, I would’ve thought nothing much of it, if my heart hadn’t skipped three beats.

I was so thankful you hadn’t noticed the blush that formed on my cheeks when I stole a glance at you after calming my panicking heart, I forced myself to think “When did this start? Do I really like him like that?”, but no matter how hard I try, I really couldn’t say when it started. It could’ve happened every time you’d call me beautiful if I felt bad about myself, and the sincerity in your voice and eyes every time you said it. Or the way you laughed and smiled at my dad-jokes, and called me a dummy every single time.

It could’ve been when we first met, and I was too shy to meet your gaze for more than a second, and would get anxious and shy whenever we were left alone at the time. Was it the way your voice sounded every time you said my name, or the nicknames you replaced it with when you noticed I’d flinch at the sound of my birth name? Whenever you went to work, you came home with snacks or a drink for me. Every time you bring me along to the store, you get me something, even if I say I’m fine, because you know I don’t like feeling like a burden by letting people buy me things without returning the favor.

Maybe it was your eyes and the way those beautiful orbs looked at me, the way you gave me your full attention as if I were some goddess speaking the gospel to you. I don’t know when this love for you started, but I know that I have it. I know that I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is more than puppy love. After 3 long years of friendship, my heart has said “it’s you, it has always been you. Hello old friend. I’ve known you for millennia, and it took me a bit to recognize your soul, but I could never forget what the other half of me feels like. I’ve recognized you now, just as I will in every life I live after this, just as I have in every life before.” This love I feel, this crush that has formed, it’s strong and true.

My cheeks flush when you’re around, I get so flustered when we stand next to each other. A fire burns within whenever you hug me, warming me in every area our bodies touch. This crush is different from elementary school crushes, rushing to pick your crush as your lab partner in math and science, praying they pick you for recess and gym games. There are no butterflies in my belly when I see or think of or hear you like those types of crushes. Just this warm tingling feeling all over from my head to my toes, I giggle nervously and I stutter more. I hope you don’t notice, I don’t want to scare you away from our friendship.

This feeling gets so strong, and I want to tell you. I’m terrified to, however, because I’ve never told anybody that I liked them. Always keeping my crushes a secret because I felt unworthy of those I liked, but you… you deserve to be loved by someone who sees how hard you try, appreciates your efforts and loves you unconditionally. And I think that person can be me. Even if I can only have you for a moment, it would be bliss. I’ve seen the way you treat women, even if they treat you like crap. I was sad, and sometimes angry, to witness the heartbreak they’ve put you through. Not only that, I’ve even felt guilty for not helping at certain times.

I’ve watched you love them, listened to you when you were guilty for being the bad one sometimes, seen you try to change and be a better man. And encouraged you to do so, showing you support while giving you gentle pointers. Even now. I listened to the dreams you dared to share, what your dislikes and likes were, learned your favorites to use for future gifts and such. You taught me the stories of your past.

I can’t change the bad things that happened to you in the past, but I want to make your future and present seem like Elysium. At least, if I ever have the chance to. Processing that I’ve fallen for you has been a roller coaster ride, it feels wrong. In so many ways, but it feels so perfect, like it was meant to be. I intend to love you so hard you forget what heartbreak feels like, but I’m scared of what it might take to happen, and what the cost will be if it does.

My soul tells me it’s worth it.